Review: The Prayer Warriors
by Shade Critic
Summary: Shade Critic's debut. What happens when you take all negative Christian stereotypes, merge them together, hand them a loose summary of Percy Jackson and introduce them to fanfiction? Find out!


**Shade-** _ **The Prayer Warriors**_

 **Critic's Shade-(A hunched over male of unknown race or age, wearing a dark hoodie whose hood casts a shadow across his face, black glove, jeans and black and white sneakers.) Sup, Fanfiction. My name is (INFORMATION MISSING) but you can call me Shade. I have decided to give up some of my worthless time to show my opinion on the various forms of fanfiction both good and bad. Before I get into the tough stuff, let's go with something easy: A rather bad one to saw the least. The abomination known as: The Prayer Warriors.**

 **Before I go any further, a little background info is needed. Ahem, The Prayer Warriors, as some of you may not know, is a fanfic created by a one BelieverInChrist AKA Thomas Brown. It begins with our author and 'Jesus' (I say this because the real Jesus would avoid this man like the plague) talk about how h is saved by writing the story and how he should hunt down the Satanists which are the cast of** _ **Percy Jackson and the Olympians.**_

…

 **Yes, you heard that right. And it gets worse from then on with various spelling errors, OOCness up the wazoo, blatant Political and ethical propaganda and oh so much more of the good stuff! But wait, it gets better! Not only are the long-dead Greek Gods targeted for prosecution, but so are Buddhists (you know, those guys who proclaim peace, love and pacifism. Damn them to hell!), homosexuals (*In a stereotypical camp gay tone* Oh my, I absolutely love being persecuted, called a sinner on the streets, not being allowed to marry until a month ago because I |Choose| to be gay!) atheists, woman with power (*Acting as a 1920's woman* Oh, don't mind me. I love not having the same standards, powers and privileges as men because I was born with a vagina and not a penis!) etc. Mainly, if a negative stereotype of a conservative and a Christian would hate it, he's crapped on it. To show you I'm not kidding, I'm going to copy and paste the first chapter while playing 'The Prayer Warrior's Drinking Game' with a bottle of 7-Up. The rules are as follows:**

 **If you see the author mocking the Percy Jackson Series, take a shot.**

 **If you see the author make a ridiculous spelling error/redundant statement, take a shot.**

 **If you see the author contradict himself, take a shot.**

 **force stereotypical Christian values on you, take a shot.**

 **If the author calls someone 'Satanic', shot.  
5a. If you are called 'Satanic', double shot.  
5b. If 'Satanic' is misspelled, double the number of shots taken.**

 **See a Bible quote or references? Take a shot!  
6a. If it's irrelevant, take two.**

 **If he berates something that isn't Christian, Take a shot.  
If it's misspelled. Take two.**

 **I'm already regretting this but let's go!**

 **Book One: The Evil Gods – Part One**

 **Chapter 1**

Believer in Christ: Hello Jesus!  
Jesus: Hello my son.  
Believer in Christ: Am I saved by writing this story.  
Jesus: Yes my son.  
Believer in Christ: Good. Now should I go hunt down those Satanists.

( **oy, five sentences in and already a shot. *Gulps it down*)**  
Jesus: Yes my son.  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Bible, God does. I will not feel sorry for using Percy Jackson as it is evil and should not have a disclaimer.  
 **(Really? Two sentences later and another? Ugh. *Gulps another down*)**

 **Being Together the Army**

 _Pride got before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. -Proverbs 16:18  
_ **(You know, I really should've trusted my gut. *Gulps a third*)**

I am Jerry and I am a prayer warrior. I am a serpent of the lord and will do anything to get rid of evil Gods. **(Dear God/Zeus/Ra/Buddha, give me strength. *Gulps down two more*)** Lately the Satanic leader Percy Jackson **(*Gulp*)** has taken over much of the land, along with his Satanic Army **(*Gulp*)** and his girlfriend whore. She has sex with other people just to get satanic money.

That means that I have to get an army together of Christians, so that we can defeat the servants of Satan **(Same thing as Satanic, so *Gulp*)** , and defeat his evil puppets, the false Greek gods **(*Gulp)** , who are in fact a lie created by Satan to poison people`s mind **(*Gulp*)**.

 _Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? Even so will I do likewise? – Deuteronomy 12:30_ **(*Gulp*)**

"Hello my fellow Christian" I told Mary, who is named after Jesus`s Mother **(*Gulp*)**. I and she are not dating, if you satanic scum **(*Gulp*)** think that there is something satanic **(*Gulp*)** going on. We are dating, but we are not having Sex until we get married **(*Gulp*)**. But because we are 15, it means that it is going to be while **(*Gulp*)** before we do such a thing.

"Yes Jerry, how are you. Have you been doing the lord`s biddings **(*Gulp*)**?" she asked me. I nodded my head and then she took out the bible and we read the first Chapter of Genesis **(*Gulp*)** , which is about the creation of the world. We talk about how God was so good **(*Gulp*)** that he was kind to create a great world as we live in.

 _He that answered a matter before he hearths it, it is folly and shame unto him. -Proverbs 18:13_ **(*Gulp*)**

Then we discuss about how Satan had poisoned the world by inventing false gods such as Zeus and Venus **(*Gulp*)** , who were sex gods **(*Gulp*)** , which is against the Ten Commandments **(*Gulp*)**.

"I need an Army to defeat the evil leader Percy Jackson **(*Gulp*)** " I asked her. I wanted an army so that I could defeat this Satanist **(*Gulp*)** and his ungodly army. This is America which is a Christian nation **(** **Okay, it's not in the rules but I need a shot to cool off)** so Satanist **(*Gulp*)** , atheist **(*Gulp*)** , Hindu **(*Gulp*)** , Buddhist **(*Gulp*)** , and any other non-god fearing people, who worshiped false gods **(*Gulp*)** , should not be allowed in this God fearing Nation. We must get rid of them, and make them slaves **(...ugh *Gulp*)** , if they agree to being a fellow Christian. Once they truly believe in God and his son, Jesus, then would we release them to bring glory to God and his son. If they still did not believe, we would burn then, just as their fellow Satanist **(*Gulp*)** did when they refused to worship our lord Jesus Christ. "I want to bring Glory to God"

 _Their bows also shall dash the young men to pieces; and they shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb; their eyes shall not spare children.-Isaiah 13:18_ **(*Gulp*)**

"Then I will show you my Christian friends. You will not find an ungodly one among them. There are as clean as you can get them" she told me. She had her hair tied back so that it would not get in her and not look like a satanic whore **(*Gulp*)**. She also made sure that her skirt did not show any of her legs, or else it would be a sin for a man such as myself to look at it.

And that was when I got message that a follower of the Satanic leader Percy Jackson **(*Gulp*)**. He was there to force people in believing in false gods **(*Gulp*)** that made their followers get naked and perform satanic **(*Gulp*)** killings.

 _Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness. -Leviticus 18:19_ **(*Gulp*)**

 _But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die. -Deuteronomy 18:20_ **(*Gulp*)**

So I went down stair to face the false prophet **(*Gulp*)**. He was a believer in false nature gods, such as Pan, **(*Gulp*)** who is Satan in disguise. He had big satanic horns **(*Gulp*)** , so that everyone that was Christian could tell that he was a Satanist **(*Gulp*)**.

"Believe in my god Pan" said the Satyr. "I am Grover and I am serpent of Pan and Satan ( ***Gulp*)** , who are great gods. They are better than God and Jesus"

 _He that sacrifices unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed. -Exodus 22:20_ **(*Gulp*)**

So to defeat this Satanic scum **(*Gulp*)** , me, Mary and one of her Christian friends that was there, her name was Ruth, prayed to God and our lord Jesus Christ, to bring down this false prophet **(*Gulp*)**. And behold, a group of locus came from the heavens and ate Grover alive. No part of his body, other than his guts and his brains, was left. No even his bones remained.

 _And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land of Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath left. -Exodus 10:12_ **(*Gulp*)**

So we brought glory to God. We killed a sheep so that we can say thanks to God **(*Gulp*)** **.** Then we went back church and prayed some more. We read the Bible and how Paul convert many people to God. Then Mary`s friends came and we made them members of the Order of the Prayer Warriors.

 _Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished. -Isaiah 13:16_ **(*Gulp*)**

Believers in Christ: Thank you for read this and I hope you have turn to the glory of God and his eternal son Jesus Christ, the greatest thing to ever happen to this earth. **(*Gulp*)** May all that read this be save?  
Jesus: You done me well son.  
Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord for giving me live and allow me to write this. Amen.

 **Shade: (Face down in a pool of of 7-Up with a whiteboard next to him, reading:) 'Number of Shots Taken: 43.'**

 **Ugh. (Lifts head up) And that was the first chapter, then it gets worse and worse. Rapidly.**

 **Let me address what is wrong with this fanfic: First off, there are numerous spelling errors that even Auto-correct would spot and correct meaning that he either went back and rewrote the errors (meaning that he meant to make them) or that he disabled spell check, an author's best friend and closest ally.**

 **Next: The obvious defiance of the source material, which is always important when doing a piece of work based off another, especially fanfiction. By denying the source material, in this case _Percy Jackson and The Olympians_ , you deny your audience their most basic desire in seeing a fanfiction: Seeing a story in the universe of a beloved universe. Which already reduces this fanfic to one of the worst.**

 **Third: One-dimensional characters. They are Christians and conservatives. That's all. There's no depth, meaning, or feeling put into them. They are as shallow as a kiddy pool and have three times as much pee.**

 **Fourth: The blatant offensiveness. Even if this is a troll fic (i.e. a fanfic that is made to be purposely bad for attention), it doesn't excuse the bile that this fanfic spews. If he had meant it to be a troll fic on purpose, then label it as such and tone it down. If it's otherwise: Well, I won't bother trying giving an advice.**

 **Finally: The completely one-sided battles. The battles are all about killing the villain with one move and that's it. No epic showdowns, no drama, no to-and-fro. Just one move. Really boring and really predictable.**

 **I'm not saying the concept is bad, in fact seeing a bunch of crusaders do battle with the Greek demigods would be beyond epic. But, this is something straight from the church of the Middle ages: offensive and unimaginative. If someone is reading this and thinks they can do this better, I welcome the fanfic into the world.**

 **This is Shade signing off, having looked into the deepest, darkest pit of Fanfiction.**


End file.
